Depression Marathon Blog

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Diagnosed with depression 17 years ago, I lost the life I once knew, but in the process re-created a better me. I am alive and functional today because of my dog, my treatment team, my sobriety, and my willingness to re-create myself within the confines of this illness. I hate the illness, but I'm grateful for the person I've become and the opportunities I've seized because of it. I hope writing a depression blog will reduce stigma and improve the understanding and treatment of people with mental illness. All original content copyright to me: etta. Enjoy your visit!

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

Next Goal: Grandma's Marathon

Today was the first day of the next 18 weeks; 18 weeks which will culminate in Grandma's Marathon in Duluth, MN. For my long-time readers, this will be deja vue all over again. Last year at this time, I began training for the Grandma's half marathon, a.k.a. The Garry Bjorklund Half Marathon. While that was a semi-success, The Twin Cities Marathon which followed was a huge DNF disappointment. Perhaps that DNF is what's scaring me about taking on Grandma's in 18 weeks.

Setting goals is always risky, maybe more so when illness is part of daily life. As was my goal last October at Twin Cities, I'd like to qualify for Boston. How will I feel if I don't meet that expectation again? Will my leg hold up, or will injury slow me down again? Do I want to take the risk, or do I want to let my apprehension hold me back? Finally, and most importantly, do I want to put in the amount of work required to not only finish the race but finish in 3:45? Perhaps that's the biggest question.

Today was the first time I've run since the first week of my 40 days of yoga class. I didn't miss it. The yoga was more than enough. In fact, I think the core strength I gained during yoga will serve me well while running. However, I'm not looking forward to the training. That's the first time I've ever said that. On my first three miles today, I couldn't wait for it to be done. It's going to be very difficult to train properly if every 3 miles feels like ten. Starting over is always difficult, and I hope that's the only thing happening here.

It's tough to train if training is unappealing. It's even tougher if training is drudgery. Since I'm starting anew, I'm going to push through for at least three weeks before making any long-term decisions. Today the goal is a 3:45 at Grandma's Marathon in 18 weeks. I'll keep you posted. In the meantime, any words of encouragement or experience would be greatly appreciated!

Monday, February 9, 2009

Thirty six days

Thirty six days ago I could do this...

Today I can do this...

and this...

and most incredibly, THIS...

Just one hour per day for 36 days.

We can do anything if we put our minds to it, don't you think? I've grown physically, mentally and spiritually because I made one simple decision and then took action based on that decision. So profound.
What decision could you make to change your life today? What actions have you yet to take? If I can do this, you can do anything, too. Think about it.

Thursday, February 5, 2009


still tired...
not motivated to write, or meditate, or socialize, or think...
can't stand what i'm watching on tv
but can't stand the thought of turning it off...
then what would i do?
brain is mush.
mood's okay
but my brain is mush.
and i'm just so, so tired.

i know it will pass.
i hope it will pass.
it can't pass