Depression Marathon Blog

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Diagnosed with depression 17 years ago, I lost the life I once knew, but in the process re-created a better me. I am alive and functional today because of my dog, my treatment team, my sobriety, and my willingness to re-create myself within the confines of this illness. I hate the illness, but I'm grateful for the person I've become and the opportunities I've seized because of it. I hope writing a depression blog will reduce stigma and improve the understanding and treatment of people with mental illness. All original content copyright to me: etta. Enjoy your visit!

Thursday, March 19, 2009

it was one of those runs...

It was a cold, sunny day today. I got up early but couldn't get out the door for over 3 hours. After watching SportsCenter 3 times in a row, I finally had the moment I was waiting for--that magical window of energetic readiness. I ran to the bedroom and donned the requisite gear. Again, it was the tights that brought Puck to his feet. We slogged through the first mile of a loosely planned 5-6 miler in the colder-than-anticipated air. It felt like a long day was in store.

Actually, the mileage lengthened, while the run shortened. The magical energy must have returned, for I realized I was running comfortably at a quicker than normal pace. Eight miles later, Puck was lagging behind while I was finishing up with my fastest mile of the day. It was one of those runs.

It must have been the beautiful steak I was served last night. It could have resulted from the speedwork I've done the past three weeks. Whatever the reason, it was one of those easy days when everything clicked. It was one of those runs. Nice.

Now, if only my mood would get easy, too. Oh well, we can't have everything can we?

Monday, March 16, 2009

My noisy head

My head is full of noise today. Not sure what's going on. Could be stress, I suppose. I had my first day of splitting time between two facilities today, and I saw more patients than there was realistically time to see! New environment, unfamiliar patients, and too busy--it all added up to stress on top of stress today. That could be what's causing the noise, I guess.

The noise actually started yesterday, or maybe it was the day before that. I can't remember. My brain's been too noisy to allow for new memory. My thoughts are racing. I'm having flashbacks to years ago distress, flashbacks of a long ago suicide attempt. There's so much noise I had to turn off my radio on the way home from work. The competing external noise was just too much.

My head is full of noise. Maybe this doesn't make sense to some of you. Maybe it's one of those things a person has to experience to fully understand. So some of you may think I'm nuts, and some of you may understand. I understand this, noise is uncomfortable, disconcerting, distracting, frustrating, and irritating. It's also quite tiring, and I don't need anything else dragging me down.

Sunday, March 8, 2009

A dog's life

I want my dog's life.
Lots of naps.

I want my dog's life.
Lots of joy.

I want my dog's life.
Lots of curiousity.

I want my dog's life.
Lots of anticipation.

I want my dog's life.
Lots of play.

I want my dog's life.
Lots of trust.

I want my dog's life.
Lots of touch.

I want my dog's life.
Lots of love.