Depression Marathon Blog

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Diagnosed with depression 17 years ago, I lost the life I once knew, but in the process re-created a better me. I am alive and functional today because of my dog, my treatment team, my sobriety, and my willingness to re-create myself within the confines of this illness. I hate the illness, but I'm grateful for the person I've become and the opportunities I've seized because of it. I hope writing a depression blog will reduce stigma and improve the understanding and treatment of people with mental illness. All original content copyright to me: etta. Enjoy your visit!

Sunday, April 8, 2018

Quiet

With the exception of being insanely busy at work, all is quiet here on the Northern front. I'm doing okay. My mood is back to nearly normal, whatever that is. I'm not low. I'm not ecstatic. I'm just moving through life one day at a time. The only blip I've been experiencing is with my physical health, but again, it's nothing major.

I've had several days of low grade headaches, body aches, and nausea. It feels like I'm about to get sick, but it never advances to that point. I actually left work early yesterday because I was sure I was about to get nailed with major illness, but after a few hours it passed. Unfortunately, it returned today. I'm just nauseated enough to be annoyed. Napping helps, but the nausea keeps coming back. It's weird, but I think I'll survive.

Work, as I mentioned, has been insanely busy. I don't know where all these patients are coming from! I'm feeling a bit stretched, and I think I let it show a bit more than I'd like a few days ago. I was a bit more impatient and felt like I needed to rush throughout my day, which I didn't like. I generally try to enjoy my patients and coworkers. I like to have fun. I don't think I was much fun on Friday. I'll do better tomorrow. I have to remember I can only do what I can do. I'm human.

I have been getting up early to walk every day. I'm proud of myself. It hasn't been easy, as we've had unseasonably cold and snowy weather, but I've stuck to my commitment. I really dislike walking. It's so slow. Also, my left foot, which still slaps when I walk as a result of continued leg weakness from my back injury, goes numb after about one mile. It's quite uncomfortable, but I'm pushing through. It would be easier to run, but my right knee isn't quite ready for that yet, either. It's frustrating.

It's hard not to give up. I feel like my body is failing me. It's been an awful long year. I'm coming up on one year since my back injury. I'm heavy, the heaviest I've ever been. I've lost muscles I never worried about before. My clothes don't fit. There are so many reasons to throw in the towel, but that won't make me happy, either. I'm determined to get back on the road. I just wish the process wasn't quite so long. Forward, I go.

2 comments:

paullamb said...

I haven't run a step since October, and it's not due to any physical injury. I've had various tests to determine why I "just can't run" but like so much of running, I suspect it's in my head. I'm trying to figure out where the motivation and self respect went. I fear I have thrown in the towel, and I'm not angry enuf with myself to change things (yet).

Anonymous said...

Please, please go see a doctor for your physical troubles. You never know. Don't downplay them.



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