Depression Marathon Blog

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Diagnosed with depression 17 years ago, I lost the life I once knew, but in the process re-created a better me. I am alive and functional today because of my dog, my treatment team, my sobriety, and my willingness to re-create myself within the confines of this illness. I hate the illness, but I'm grateful for the person I've become and the opportunities I've seized because of it. I hope writing a depression blog will reduce stigma and improve the understanding and treatment of people with mental illness. All original content copyright to me: etta. Enjoy your visit!

Sunday, May 20, 2018

Worried

I'm worried. Maybe that's a good thing? Things are going so well I have time and energy to worry? Perhaps. I'm not usually much of a worrier, so I'm a bit uncomfortable and trying my best to knock it off, but I'm worried nonetheless.

Like I said, things are going well at home, at work, and everywhere in between. My mood is good. My energy is good. I'm working, planning, taking care of my business. My house is even clean! But my knee... oh, my damn knee.

It's not just about running anymore. Yes, I hoped I would be well on my way to another marathon by now, well on my way, but there's more to it than that. I have a bucket list trip planned for October. I will be hiking to the base camp of Mount Everest. During a 20 day hike in the Himalayas, I will be ascending over three mountain passes between 17,600 and 18,200 feet. It will be quite challenging, but I never doubted I could do it. Until now.

My biggest concern up until now has been the possibility of altitude sickness, which would end my trip in a heartbeat. But with my knee continuing to pain me, even on a simple set of stairs, I am now more worried about the actual hiking than anything else.

I have been preparing for this trip for years. I have been saving money, researching trekking companies, learning about the culture of Nepal, and pouring over trekking blogs for information. I'm ready to go. Except for my knee. And because of my knee, except for my legs.

My legs are weaker today than they've been in my entire adult life. Where I used to have muscles, I only have flab. It's impossible to keep the quads strong with a painful knee. I'm getting frustrated and anxious, worried... I'm trying to hold out hope that I have enough time to prepare, but I can't begin to prepare until my knee doesn't hurt. And my knee still hurts.

This is not good. I need some encouragement, or better yet an encouraging sign that I'll one day have a knee I can count on. Until that day comes, I'm having a difficult time not worrying.

Sunday, May 13, 2018

Injection

Despite my fervent prayers and abundant wishes, my right knee is still not right. It has gotten more sore again. Last week, attempting to run was again painful. I was crushed. I am now putting all of my hopes and prayers into the series of 3-5 Hyaluronic Acid injections, which I began Thursday. The injection was a little uncomfortable, but that's it. I survived just fine. My next injection is this Thursday.

Initially I felt a bit better, but within a day or two I again felt pain with any climbing or descending. I'm not panicking yet, though, as the injections may take up to 6 weeks to have full effect. Instead, I took my run indoors today. I began running, again, on the Alter-G, anti-gravity treadmill. Thank God I have access to such a high tech piece of equipment.

I am happy to report I was able to run without pain today. Granted, I was only running at 40% of my body weight, but it felt so good to stretch my legs once again. No limping, or cringing, or careful tiptoeing involved. I haven't felt that good running since January! In fact, I felt so free I didn't want to stop. But I did. Sometimes, I do the sensible thing despite myself.

Other than dream about running, I haven't been doing much. I'm feeling well. And besides work, I don't have a lot on my plate these days. Usually my free time would be consumed by training at this time of year. I already have missed, or am about to miss, several marathons I have penciled into my calendar. Sometimes it's tough to look at Facebook, as posts are filled with pictures of my satisfied friends and their latest marathon conquests. I'm happy for them but can't help but wish I was included. Hopefully soon. I'll keep dreaming.

Wednesday, May 9, 2018

In an instant

I just returned home from work. My route home includes 20 miles on a very busy commuter highway, and that's the problem. It's a highway, not a freeway, with a speed limit of 65 miles per hour, though most of us, including me, travel a bit over 70. And since it's a highway there are numerous county roads which intersect with it. It's dangerous, as the vehicles entering from the side roads do not do so at 70 miles per hour. Unfortunately, I witnessed the aftermath of the danger first hand tonight.

I knew from the number of emergency vehicles something terrible must have happened. As I approached the accident scene I saw two incredibly mangled cars in the median. It appeared one vehicle had t-boned the other at a very high rate of speed. The t-boned vehicle was without a roof. It appeared it had been removed by the emergency responders. Thankfully, I arrived after the occupants had been removed, but my heart sank.

Before I made it home I learned at least one person was killed and another was flown via helicopter to Mayo Clinic. I've had a difficult time getting the image of those two cars out of my head. I can almost see the accident in my head. But what's most on my mind is the families of these two people. This accident scene reminded me life can change in an instant. An instant...

When we were teenagers, my step sister left the house and never returned. I can still hear her chirp goodbye as she bounced down the back steps. Within 20 minutes, she was hit and killed by a truck.  I'm sure the victim in this accident did not leave their house thinking they would never return. I'm certain their loved ones didn't have such a thought either. But for at least one family, life forever changed today. I feel sad about that.

Though you may think it cliche, I'm going to say it anyway. Seeing this accident scene reminded me I need to tell those around me I care, and I need to do it in the moment. I have a lot to be grateful for, and there are a lot of people who make my life worth living. (Feel free to remind me of this the next time I sink into the depths of despair.) Nobody's time here is guaranteed. I need to remember that.

Thursday, May 3, 2018

Running again!

Although my right knee is not perfect, with my doctor's blessing I have returned to running. Today was day two. On Tuesday I walked and ran 3.5 miles, which included running three tenths of a mile five times. My right knee was a bit sore, but it did not interfere with running. For that I am extremely grateful. I was so worried I would not be able to run, but so far so good. I walked and ran again today. I felt pretty good, and it was a beautiful day. I'm starting from ground zero, but at least I've started.

Next week I begin a series of three weekly knee injections of hyaluronic acid. Hyaluronic acid, according to my doctor, forms the matrix for cartilage. It lubricates the joint and makes cartilage more resilient. I'm missing a lot of cartilage between my patella and femur, essentially I have arthritis, so hopefully these injections will help. I'm encouraged to be tolerating running well so far. I'm hoping these injections take me the rest of the way.

I continue to feel well. My weekend in Duluth was wonderful. I hiked more than a total of 12 miles on Saturday and Sunday, most of it with my friend, which was really nice. We spent more time together chatting over coffee and good food. I also got to spend plenty of time on the shores of my old friend, Lake Superior, and I returned home feeling energized. I'm already planning my next trip.

That's all I have to report today. Grateful to be feeling well and running again. Praying both continue.



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